I just turned 50 (gulp!).
As the youngest in my family, I tend to walk into every room with that “I’m the youngest person here” attitude. To say it’s been disorienting to be this old is an understatement.
I also really hate birthdays, so it was a double whammy. Luckily, my husband did an amazing job on the day to take my mind off it. He arranged a massage, a lovely dinner with the kids, a night at a hotel, and tickets to see a comedy show.
The prettiest part of my birthday was this From Lucie cake.
The most special part was a video my team put together for me. They got videos of 50 people saying what they love about me — from my mom to the guy at the coffee shop downstairs, with many friends in between. It was so special. I literally laughed AND cried.
I recently read (and loved) Julia Turshen’s letter “40 bits of advice” that she shared when she turned 40. It gave me the idea for this letter.
I’ve been nervous to publish this, because who am I to offer life advice?!? When I told Bri about this letter his response was, “50 pieces?!? That’s way too much advice” which made me crack up and also feel very old.
The below are things I’ve learned that work for my life, not necessarily anyone else’s. So please, take them with a GIANT grain of salt and know that I still feel quite clueless. But these hold true for me.
On Friendship
1. My friend GISELA GUEIROS says, “We don’t make friends, we recognize them.” With the closest friends I have, I didn’t have to try. They appeared in my life and I recognized them immediately (Gisela, specifically, because she was wearing very chic shoes). Being friends should be joyous and easy, not hard.
2. If you want to make friends, do an activity that you love. You will find your people there. For me it’s tennis.
3. One bonding hack is having a specific kind of activity you do together. My friend Joanna Goddard taught me this. It makes getting together easy and everyone knows what they are in for. I’m a member of a book group, a soup group and a craft club. I find that people love a theme and a specific thing to organize socializing around.
4. I’ve discovered that in order for me to workout, it has to be social. Now I look for ways I can get my exercise in that do double-duty as social time: tennis, a walk with a friend, etc. Otherwise, I hate working out.
5. Old friends are the best friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have had my Flagg Street School girls for 45 years so far. Nurturing friendships with people who have known the little-you is so important. I think getting back to that person I always was is a hugely important part of life.
On Gifts
6. Keep a note on your phone and jot down any time a friend mentions something they like, or you have an idea of something to give them. It makes it much easier to give thoughtful gifts around holidays and birthdays.
7. I think it’s important not only to be a giver, but also to be someone who is able to receive a gift (or a compliment, or help). I know a lot of people who are wonderful gift-givers, but they can clam up when you give them a gift.
8. My friend Ami’s advice when going to a dinner party or to someone’s house is “Don’t walk in with both arms swinging!” — always bring a gift.
On Aging
9. It happens fast and out of nowhere.
10. I recently read that you are only as young as you are flexible. Oof. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not flexible at all. But I’m working on it because I do believe this sentiment is true.
11. When I used to hear the term “thinning hair,” I thought it meant going bald. But the truth is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that the strands themselves have actually gotten thinner. It’s a nightmare! Do anything and all things you can to prevent this. I haven’t had much luck here other than taking biotin each day. Any ideas? My doctor prescribed Minoxidil to me but for some reason I’m too scared to take it.
12. Take a calcium supplement! Women begin losing bone from age 26 onwards. I only realized this when I broke my ankle at age 48. I wish I’d started taking calcium much sooner.
13. I spent half my life wishing I looked older. (I got carded going into an R-rated movie the day after I got engaged. Like, they didn’t even think I was 17. I was so upset). Now I wish I looked younger. I guess the lesson is to try to be happy in the moment.
On Relationships
14. Marry someone you were crazy in love with and attracted to at the beginning of your relationship. It’s helps in the hard times to look back and remember that magic.
15. For me, the number one most important quality in a partner is that they make you laugh. I can get so mad at my husband. But I think he’s funny. And that makes everything better.
16. I do believe opposites attract. I think sometimes you end up with the one person who has everything you lack (in my case, for example, the ability to not hold a grudge) and therefore, knows how to push every single button you have. In my head, I try to frame it as “This person was put here to teach me something I need to learn.”
Ask for what you need. We are not mind readers!
On Money
18. Growing up, money stress was often in the air. Bri and I combine our finances, but I have a portion of my salary go into my own account. Whenever I want to buy something frivolous or just for me, I pay for it out of this account. Avoids a lot of fights.
19. If you can, put money in the 529 plan. Do it when your kids are little and be religious about it. When college comes, it will be such a relief to have some of the money saved.
20. I’ve found it’s better to save up for a really beautiful item I’m proud to own vs. buying something less special. I end up saving money in the end because I use the piece I love so much more often and keep it forever.
21. Energy is money. If you are excited about something, you will naturally have energy for it. Good energy and true passion lead to success, I find.
On Stress
22. Don’t borrow trouble. This was something my grandmother, Bama, used to say. Don’t add more stress and problems to your plate. Don’t worry about shit you don’t need to. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist. Life is hard enough.
23. I’ve found knitting to be meditative. Discovering something you can do that makes you fully present and clears your mind completely is so beneficial. Could be an exercise class that’s so hard you can’t think, could literally be actual meditation. Whatever it is, it’s very important to quiet your mind. In my book, knitting is just as powerful as TM.
24. This parable has saved my mental health multiple times.
25. Let go and let God. In the most stressful moments of my life, this phrase has looped over and over in my head. I’m more of a spiritual person than a religious person, but sometimes things get so stressful you need to simply let go. You can’t control your way out of the situation. Do the best you can and then let it go. Picture getting tumbled by a wave. Fighting against the wave is a losing proposition. Only when you totally release do you float to the surface.
26. Focus on what’s working. When I was struggling so much with breastfeeding, a friend gave me this piece of advice. It was six weeks after my son was born prematurely. I was pumping around the clock for him because he couldn’t latch. I was determined to make this work for us. I had mastitis AND a stomach virus. I was sobbing, throwing up, so ill, so defeated. My friend Ami said, “Focus on what is working: the baby is gaining weight, he is healthy, the moments bonding with him are so special.” I resolved in that moment to focus only on the good and not on anything that wasn’t. Miraculously, within a few days, he latched and we made it work! This was so important to me after not being able to breastfeed my twins.
27. Another gem from Gisela: “Even during the dark times, don’t forget to bloom.”
On Life
28. Everyone is fighting a battle, and we might not see it. I try not to assume everything is the way it looks on the outside. I’ve got some big stuff in my life that I don’t share publicly. Everyone could use a bit of grace.
29. Assume positive intent.
30. Have an attitude of gratitude. If you find yourself complaining, annoyed by a situation, try to fill a whole page with only positive aspects. There really are always flowers for those who look for them.
31. Hurt people hurt people. People who treat you poorly, act cooler than you, exclude you, are mean, etc, aren’t happy. Try to remember the way people behave is about them and not you.
32. You can’t please everyone. I am super sensitive and grew up prioritizing other people’s feelings. I get hurt when people say something mean or especially if they assume I did something that I didn’t intend to do. I fail when I stray from my values system. The times I’ve rightfully gotten down on myself were those times I behaved in a way that was not aligned with my core values. So I try to stick to what I believe in at my core. And if someone has a problem with that, then I have to be ok with it.
33. Delete comments from trolls and block them.
34. Keep it cute. It’s a small world. My friend Ami (she’s my guru) reminds me that “You will never regret being kind.” This is what I remind myself especially when someone has royally pissed me off.
On Motherhood
35. People can sometimes make you feel like shit if breastfeeding doesn’t work for you. It’s not intentional, but the smugness is sometimes there. Here’s the thing: after about two years of age, no one is breastfeeding anymore and it can’t be lorded over you. Keep going, believing in your situation. I nearly killed myself trying to get my littlest to breastfeed. He doesn’t even remember that I did! (That being said, I did love breastfeeding and it was special to me. It was also much easier than dealing with all those bottles and the pumping. But it’s not better than any other form of feeding and people who make you feel bad if you can’t or don’t are insecure in themselves and it has nothing to do with you).
36. When I was struggling with three little kids aged 3 and under, people often would say to me, “Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems.” I wanted to drop kick them. I was SO tired, so stressed. I could barely function. And you’re telling me it gets worse?!? The first bit of advice is DO NOT EVER say this to a parent of young kids. The second bit of advice is that it’s true. Young kids are more physically exhausting. Older kids are more emotionally exhausting. I find it’s more enjoyable to be tired with cute babies than to feel like someone took my stomach out of my body and is stomping it into the ground as a parent of an older kid. That’s how badly it hurts when your kid is struggling, or when other kids are mean. Being a mom is hard no matter how you slice it.
37. Try to spend alone time with each kid. Kids need one-on-one time. Your other kids will be fine. So beneficial.
38. I’ve loved the rituals my family has. I think they create a continuity that is really important. For us it’s been vacations we have taken year after year to the same place with the same people. Or our annual scavenger hunt for Easter baskets. That repetition is soothing and unifying somehow.
39. Kids need to be bored. 99% of why I have my career is because of how incredibly boring my childhood was. I had to make my own fun and be creative.
On Work
40. The nuts and bolts of the job are not your only job. It’s also important to be personable, friendly, easy to work with. A lot of people forget this part. If you’re an intern, be bold and introduce yourself. If you’re shy, pick your head up and say hello in the hallway. If you’re senior level, offer to grab coffee for someone else. I think about 60% of doing a good job is the literal job functions. 40% is the soft skills.
41. Come from a place of “yes.” Try to find a solution.
42. This might be controversial, but don’t randomly ask someone to go for coffee to chat about their career, especially if they are someone who is very busy and has a lot on their plate. I am happy to help someone if I feel like I can, but I appreciate it when someone comes to me with something specific.
On Writing
43. Scan your piece for the words “always” and “never” and remove them.
44. Less is more. Writing “I am powerful” is more powerful than writing “I am very, very powerful.” Make sense?
45. Here’s a bit of writing advice that applies to nearly everything in life: the specific is universal. For example, if you tell me you loved a meal you ate, it won’t have much of an impact on me. If you tell me about the chicken pot pie your mom made you with nubby carrots and a flaky crust made with Crisco, I relate to it more. In life, this is true too. The more specific you are, the more personal, the more you connect with others. Seems counterintuitive, but it’s true. If you want proof: my letter about knitting, a very specific hobby, is the one with the most comments.
46. My writing teacher Nancy Kelton has a funny quote I love about writing (and life): “The difference between self-revelation and self-absorption is the difference between ‘a-ha’ and ‘oy vey.’”
General Advice
47. Organize your file folders alphabetically no matter what is in them. Put everything in folders and then put in them in alphabetical order! You won’t lose anything.
48. Put P-Touch labels on the exterior of everyone’s passport.
49. Don’t touch anything that has germs. Seriously, I flush the toilet in my own house with my foot.
50. Little things can have a huge impact. A handwritten note. A brass switch plate. A pair of wow shoes. Don’t take the details for granted.
Thanks so much for reading through. I hope there’s something that resonates with you, and I’d love to hear any favorite advice you live by, too!
Five Things I’m Loving This Week
1. This red dress! Eek! I wore it to my birthday dinner with friends.
2. Seeing The Testament of Ann Lee, which was such a gorgeous work of pure art (but that deeply traumatized me), had me revisiting some of the beautiful Shaker drawings I saw two years ago at the The American Folk Art Museum.
3. Our new sailor sweater is the cutest!!
4. That Elle Fanning shoot for Who What Wear. I love the creativity. Reminds me of those dolls you would click outfits onto in the 80s. Also love that the sets are real and not AI.
5. I recently stayed up all night reading this book. I couldn’t put it down. The idea that you could live with someone for twenty years and not really know him at all is terrifying to me. It’s a beautifully written book and I highly recommend it.
And One Thing I Hate
I HATE and it’s an all-caps HATE when someone refers to me as “ma’am” or worse, “madame.” Can we ban this formality that makes me feel so damn old??? I would like henceforth to be referred to exclusively as “miss” or “girl.” Thank you!
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Happy Birthday! Really enjoyed this, thanks for sharing. In tough moments my mom always says, "you never know whether its a blessing or a curse". Reminds me of the horse parable you shared.
Loved this piece Jessie !
Dont take it personally when you are referred to as Madame in France though ❤️